omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
