there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize