i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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