I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize