Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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