if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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