I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
