u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
