First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
