I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize