He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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