I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
