you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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