I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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