she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
