I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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