That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
