I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
