Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
