I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
