I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
