i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
