just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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