You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
