I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
