I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
