I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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