I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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