He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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