We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
