I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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