I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
