Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
