Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
