I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize