I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
