Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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