I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
