i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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