Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
