they need to just BURY HIM!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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