wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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