Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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