You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
