We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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