i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It was confusing and full of hummus
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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