I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
