I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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