Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
try to milk me bitch
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