I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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