So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
