im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
