That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize