I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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