What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
