So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
