Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
