her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize