I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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