I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
it was like eating out sand paper
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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